


there's no place i'd rather be (but in your arms)

by blankcamellia



Series: Cuddle Buddy AU [6]
Category: SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, Hokuto Is Suffering, Hokuto's past, M/M, Past Matsumura Hokuto/OC, Past Relationship(s), Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26312071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blankcamellia/pseuds/blankcamellia
Summary: “Are you sure you don’t want to move in for real?” Taiga asks as he takes a hold of one of Hokuto’s hands, their fingers finding their mate. He’s been asking Hokuto the same question a few times now, and so far, the answer has been the same.
Relationships: Kyomoto Taiga/Matsumura Hokuto
Series: Cuddle Buddy AU [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487657
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14





	there's no place i'd rather be (but in your arms)

**Author's Note:**

> Another installment of the Cuddle Buddy AU, and by now, I've forgotten what I actually plotted for this.... yet I did plot with both Rena and Niña about it... a long time ago...  
> Anyway, Hokuto's past is finally revealed, and if you rather have it mysterious... well XD skip like 3000 words of this lol  
> No, but I've struggled a bit to make this work, and while everything is a mess, I hope it somehow works out lol
> 
> I was supposed to write for the chapter fic but emotions got the better of me, so here you go XD

Hokuto has been over at his place a lot recently. More than he usually does, almost to the point that he comes and goes at his own will (and Taiga gave him his spare key too) and it’s not like Taiga is complaining, really. He quite enjoys watching the younger one sit on his couch, curled up in one corner with his laptop in his knee, typing away at something. It kinda makes his heart swell a bit.

It’s part of their routine by now - Hokuto quietly doing his things on the couch, and Taiga does his thing on the other side of the room. Then, they somehow end up beside each other on the couch.

Most of the time, it’s when Hokuto starts to sigh loudly. Taiga knows that it’s a sign that the younger is getting tired and unfocused so he just drops whatever he’s doing then and walks over to Hokuto. He gently pries the laptop off Hokuto, putting it on the table before he reaches over to take off the glasses sitting on the younger’s nose.

“Come here,” he says, guiding him into his embrace gently. He threads his fingers through Hokuto’s hair until he feels the other calm down.

He doesn’t like seeing Hokuto being stressed out. Of course, their school work is getting on their nerves but when isn’t it? It’s just that the way Hokuto is stressing seems like a different kind of stress. Not just school stress.

Sometimes, he catches Hokuto absentmindedly playing with his phone with a frown on his face. The other doesn’t know he’s seen him, and Taiga is slowly dying to know more about his worries. Hokuto hasn’t said anything to him about it yet, and he’s not going to bother the other about it because he knows he’ll talk about it in due time. He just doesn’t want to see Hokuto so miserable.

“Are you sure you don’t want to move in for real?” Taiga asks as he takes a hold of one of Hokuto’s hands, their fingers finding their mate. He’s been asking Hokuto the same question a few times now, and so far, the answer has been the same.

“I’m not sure Taiga,” Hokuto avoids his gaze, and he can feel how he stiffens in his hold too. Taiga sighs as he pulls Hokuto closer, burying his face into the younger’s hair.

The same old answer.

He doesn’t chase any other answers, just holds Hokuto, who curls up even closer to him. A part of him wonders why Hokuto is so reluctant. He’s practically already living here already. Half of his wardrobe is Hokuto, they already have different sets of towels and toiletries sorted in the bathroom, the kitchen is also neatly divided and sorted. Hokuto’s spices and seasoning assortment have their own drawers, and even the fridge has a specific place for Hokuto’s things he occasionally buys.

Taiga doesn’t care if Hokuto is worried about the rent, it’s not like he’s the one actually paying for it, so to him, it doesn’t matter if Hokuto is freeloading. He just wants to put a name to their current status.

It doesn’t sit quite right with him to call them just “cuddle buddies” anymore because they crossed that line a long time ago. Probably the moment Hokuto started to talk to him outside of the app. They just never really talked about what they are really. Especially not after Hokuto’s last try to run away.

Inside him, there’s this urgent need to call them something, to make sure that he can somehow hold it in his hands. Something he can pinpoint. Right now, they’re just drifting.

He knows that Hokuto has stopped answering any Cuddle Buddy calls, even if he’s said he’s fine with it (as long as he comes back home but he doesn’t say that). It’s why the time Hokuto spends at his apartment has increased too, and he also knows that Hokuto really took it to heart when he told Hokuto that he wanted him in his life.

There’s also this boiling feeling of jealousy, or possessiveness, inside him that scares him too. He got no right to feel any of it. Not when it comes to Hokuto.

Maybe it’s also why he wants to hurry up and give them some kind of label, even if they don’t need it. It’s just a good excuse to admit the ugly feelings he harbors inside. He also doesn’t know how far he can go with Hokuto either.

There have been instances when they’re in bed, late at night, when they lay face to face, and Taiga just stares at Hokuto. Hokuto stares back too, and sometimes he reaches out and brushes away the hair from his face. His hands linger a bit longer, almost brushing against his cheek in a loving gesture but then, the fear flashes in Hokuto’s eyes, and he draws back. Every time, Taiga misses that warmth, that brief touch. Every time, Taiga holds Hokuto a bit closer.

It would be so easy to tilt Hokuto’s head whenever they’re cuddling on the couch and press a soft kiss to his lips. He never does that though. He doesn’t dare.

He knows that Hokuto probably knows the extent of his feelings, or at least he hopes Hokuto does. He never said the words out loud but at this point, he feels like it should be obvious. Then again, what if he’s wrong?

He shudders at the thought, too scared of himself and his feelings to even imagine what it’d be like if he got rejected fully.

Then, there would be no more Hokuto around him, and his life would go back being grey and dull. He doesn’t want that, especially not when Hokuto makes him feel like the world is spinning at normal speed.

“Are you cold?” Hokuto asks, lifting his head up a bit to look at Taiga. His eyes are filled with worry, and Taiga can see that he’s about to reach for the fleece blanket they keep nearby.

“I’m fine, it’s nothing,” Taiga shakes his head, trying to assure Hokuto he’s fine. Because, really, he is fine. Hokuto still wraps the blanket around them both.

“Are you sure?” Taiga wants so badly to lean in and kiss the worry away but he’s afraid that he’ll scare Hokuto if he does it. He settles on bumping their foreheads together instead while smiling.

“I’m sure, it was just a shudder.”

He can’t tell Hokuto the whole truth, too scared of it, and he’s being such a damn hypocrite because he hates liars, yet he’s the one who’s holding the truth back. He’s such a coward.

He just doesn’t want to lose Hokuto.

Because the way Hokuto feels in his arms is worth more than anything. He just hopes that Hokuto feels the same way.

He feels Hokuto swallow before he takes a breath, almost as if he’s about to say something so Taiga leans back enough to look at him, curiousity in his eyes and he’s waiting. There’s something on the tip of Hokuto’s tongue and he almost gets to hear it when the younger’s phone chimes and interrupts them.

They both jump at the sound, and Taiga bites the inside of his lip as he watches Hokuto frown when he checks the caller ID and swipes the call off. He turns his phone upside down, further away on the table, and he turns back to Taiga and opens his mouth to speak.

Only, his phone rings again.

Taiga is utterly confused as he watches Hokuto turn into the most agitated and annoyed state he’s ever seen the other in. It’s completely different from the state he saw Hokuto in when he tried to escape Taiga and whatever kind of relationship they have.

This is different.

Hokuto detangles himself from Taiga, cursing silently as he picks the phone and his glasses up and heads to the bathroom to answer the call.

Taiga has never been one to eavesdrop but right now, he’s very tempted. He wants to know what’s making Hokuto this frazzled and upset. He wants to know if he can do anything to prevent it. He doesn’t want Hokuto to go through things like this if it makes him hurt.

He knows he’s had a very different upbringing than Hokuto, that much is obvious, and he’s aware he’s fucking lucky and spoiled his parents pay for his apartment and everything. If he can use that and create a space, a place, for Hokuto to feel safe at, feel at home, then he’ll do it.

Hokuto’s muffled and low voice seeps through the walls and Taiga tries his best to focus on the Candy Crush level he’s stuck at instead. He tries to compose a new melody inside his head but it doesn’t drown out the way Hokuto sounds absolutely tired.

“Sorry,” Hokuto says as he shuffles out from the bathroom, eyes apologetic already, and Taiga sits up a bit straighter on the couch. “I need to run out for a bit, I’ll see you later.”

Taiga doesn’t even get to say anything before Hokuto’s out of his door. Somehow, it feels like he lost a part of him.

He doesn’t know who he talked to on the phone and he definitely cannot feel jealous about it. Yet, he does. He doesn’t have the right to even feel like this. It’s not like they’re actually anything. They’re not _something._ They’re just them, and that’s not a reason enough for Taiga to put a claim on Hokuto.

He reaches out for the blanket that dropped to the floor when Hokuto got up and he wraps it around himself, imagining strong, lean arms instead. He breathes in and Hokuto’s scent fills his nose and he just lets his mind swim in delusions for a while.

Hokuto was about to say something before and he wants to know what. At the same time, he doesn’t want to sound demanding or annoying. He just… wants to know more about Hokuto. Good or bad. He’ll take it all.

The blanket barely gives him any comfort, way too thin to hold the warmth that Hokuto left, and he imagines what would have happened if Hokuto never picked up the phone. What would Hokuto have said? What would it have led to?

Would they have gravitated toward each other at the same time, like a pair of magnets, and would they have kissed? Would he have felt the way Hokuto sighed against his lips? Would he have been able to pull Hokuto closer than before and whisper all the things he thinks the younger should hear?

There are a million scenarios that could have happened but of course, the one that did happen is the one where Taiga is left alone with his unstable feelings and a desire to call Hokuto his.

He slowly slips into sleep with the blanket wrapped around him and dreams about Hokuto coming back, wrapping his arms around him again.

* * *

Hokuto unlocks the door to his apartment with shaking hands, not ready at all to do this. He knows, deep inside, that he has to. For himself. For Taiga.

There’s no one home as he opens the door, the hallway looking the same as it did the last time he was here and awkwardly picks up the discarded clothing he finds on the floor. As messy as always.

The jingle of keys getting fished out of pockets is heard from the other side of the door, and Hokuto folds the small piece of clothing and places it on the nearest drawer as he holds his breath. He watches how the door slowly opens, and his roommate steps in.

They haven’t seen each other in a while now, especially not since he met Taiga and started spending most of his free time at Taiga’s apartment. It doesn’t sit right with him how uncomfortable he is with the way he’s standing in his own apartment, yet the only thing he wants to do is to run back to Taiga. This place, this apartment that he’s standing in right now, is no longer something he considers home.

“Ah, Hokuto, you’re back,” his roommate chirps, voice high and laced with sugar and honey. All the things that make it coated thick with fake caring. He stares at her and wonders why she acts like everything is fine. They’re far from fine. They probably never were.

“You wanted to talk?” he gets out, the lump in his stomach still heavy and it doesn’t help when she just smiles at him as she gets out of her shoes, placing them messily in the entrance.

“I just wanted to see you, it’s been a while,” she pouts, and back in the days when they were a thing, he would have done everything to make it go away. Now, he can only see the pout Taiga does when things aren’t going the way he wants, or when he pouts at Hokuto when he doesn’t get a problem right when they study. It’s all so different.

Before, he was ready to give her everything, and he did his best to do it. It was just never enough. There was always something that he lacked. As long as she was happy, he was fine with anything. It didn’t last long though, not even when he had tried to give her everything of him.

She still found someone else.

The only comfort Hokuto had back then was that they never lasted. Somehow, he got over her in time. Realized his own worth but he had troubles leaving her alone. She couldn’t get a place on her own, not in the middle of the semester. So, Hokuto did the thing he thought was for the best. He let her stay.

They’re barely on speaking terms, and by every day that passed, since they broke up, Hokuto only felt more and more inclined to get out of there. He just couldn’t leave her alone. She was just a girl, and she needed him in ways no one else did.

If she broke his heart, he’s not sure but he’s sure that she’s never getting it again.

He’s not sure why he hasn’t talked about her, and his current situation with Taiga. It baffles even himself how he’s been able to keep this information away from Taiga. He was supposed to tell him earlier before she called. As always, nothing goes as he wants it to.

“It’s so lonely without you here,” she purrs as she slowly takes off her coat, revealing the milky white skin of her shoulders. Hokuto shudders as he takes a step back, leaning against the wall.

“Just… tell me what you want...”

“Oh sweetie, isn’t that obvious?”

She takes a quick step toward him, pulling him down to her level as she presses her lips to his, prying his lips apart aggressively as she runs her hands over him. “I _missed_ you.”

The words are barely a whisper, and once, he would have soared. He would have returned the need a thousand times more but now he can’t.

His mind swims with images of blond hair, dark brown eyes, high pitched giggles, melodic humming to guitar chords, matching sets of mugs and plates, towels hanging beside each other, and a wide smile that outshines the sun.

He’s so deep in his thoughts, too busy thinking focusing on the images of Taiga, that he doesn’t have time to push her away, and it’s not until he feels a sharp pain by the end of his throat that he shoves her away.

His throat throbs and he brings one hand to it, covering the spot she just latched herself onto.

“What’s wrong baby? We haven’t done it in a while now,” she smiles, wiping away a trail of saliva from her mouth. “Come on now.”

“I can’t,” He shoves her aside, muttering a panicked apology - for what, he doesn’t know, but he can’t help but apologize. He can hear her shout after him, disappointed and confused. His legs are heavy as he runs away, literally this time, from his apartment.

All he can think about is how he’s going to explain this to Taiga. If he should even explain anything. He should. He deserves to know. He owes him an explanation.

At the same time, he just wants Taiga to hold him close in silence. He doesn’t need to hear it’s going to be okay. He just wants to feel Taiga. He wishes he was a better person, someone who could just speak up honestly about his feelings. Then, maybe, just maybe, they could have been something by now.

He knows that Taiga is waiting for him to say anything. He knows but he can’t help but run away. It’s scary. He’s scared that Taiga will leave him too if he gets too attached because that’s what they all do when he gets attached.

His feet bring him back to Taiga’s apartment, even when his mind is not quite there yet. He can feel his breath being ragged and he knows that he probably ran way too fast for his own good but he needed to get far away from. He needed to get back home. He needs Taiga.

His hands shake even worse when he tries to open the door and he almost cries when it finally fits and he gets inside. The clock has barely moved since he left, and he hurries to get his shoes and jacket off.

He doesn’t hear or see Taiga around so he panics for a moment before he notices the curled up form on the couch wrapped in the blanket. Then, his heart swells and he starts to shiver from the way he tries to desperately hold his tears back.

When he kneels in front of the couch, hands shaking as they hover over Taiga’s sleeping face, it’s not long until the latter stirs and wakes up.

“....Hokuto?”

He doesn’t reply, doesn’t dare to because if he does, he’ll cry. He’s done crying yet he can’t help but feel so helpless against the rivers of tears threatening to fall.

“What’s wrong?” Taiga is a bit more awake, obviously sensing that something is wrong. He blinks as he looks at Hokuto, trying his best to figure it out. Then, he reaches out to embrace Hokuto. “Hokuto?”

Hokuto slumps against Taiga, putting his whole weight on the other as Taiga tries to wrap the blanket around them both again.

This. This feeling with Taiga. It’s all that he needs. All that he wants.

He’s about to curl up against Taiga when he notices how the older stiffens, and when he looks at him, he notices the way he’s staring at him. Staring at his throat to be precise.

Shit.

“Taiga, I— “ he begins, not sure even what to say but he gotta say something. He knows there’s an obvious mark forming there, and he _knows._ Just say something.

“It’s okay!” Taiga exclaims, and Hokuto has never seen Taiga lie before. The way he forces a smile on his face hurts him down to his soul, and he promises himself right there to never lie to Taiga.

“It’s not like that,” he says quickly before Taiga can pull back. He reaches around to put his hands over Taiga’s, keeping the blanket in place. “It’s my roommate, we broke up years ago. We’re over. Since a long time ago. She just, can’t, she’s just—”

He can’t bring himself to say any bad words about her because she’s not essentially bad, she didn’t know. She didn’t know that his heart was already gone - stolen by the amazing person in front of him right now.

“I thought she just wanted to talk, figure the apartment out, then she jumped on me, surprised me. I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting it, I swear.”

He rambles on, letting out all the words he’s kept inside for years ago. When he explains the situation with his apartment; how they broke up, how he can’t leave her alone but how he should, how he’s been hopelessly clinging onto things that were never there. How he slowly lost a place to call home. How he never could say anything whenever she brought people over. How he never could bring himself to put a proper end to it.

He apologizes for hiding it all until now.

“I didn’t want you to find it out like this, I was going to tell you earlier,” he says, voice trembling and somehow, surprisingly, he’s not crying. “Taiga, I want to start anew. With you.”

Taiga keeps quiet for a while, eyes narrowed and he’s staring so intensely at Hokuto that he doesn’t know if it’s good or bad. He hopes for the former.

“You’re stupid, you’re so fucking stupid,” Taiga whispers as he clings onto Hokuto’s clothes, pulling him into a hug.

A wave of relief washes over him as Taiga is not angry at him.

He cradles Taiga’s face with his hands, finally brushing his thumbs over Taiga’s high cheekbones and it all just feels right.

“Can I?” he whispers as he leans closer, noses brush against each other.

“Yes please,” Taiga replies with the same kind of whisper.

When their lips finally connect, the weight on his shoulders is lifted off, and he feels a world lighter. It’s short and sweet, and one turns into two, and then a series of pecks.

He shudders when Taiga trails his lips down his jawline, and down his throat until he reaches the darkening spot. He feels the older male lick around the area before he bites down beside it, marking him with another, bigger spot.

“It’s okay, right? Because you’re mine now”

The way Taiga asks him makes his heart skip a beat, and he thinks that Taiga could ask him anything, and he would have said yes.

“Yes, yes, always,” he replies as he brings Taiga’s face back for another kiss that soon turns messier.

There’s no other place he would rather be but in Taiga’s arms.


End file.
